Today's post is just going to be me rambling on about some stuff that's been on my mind lately. Mostly inspired by my thoughts on self-esteem and the hyper-criticism of the black woman.
Anyway...I'll start with talk of self-esteem. Mine in particular. I didn't grow up the highest self-esteem. If you asked 5th grade me what I thought about myself I would have probably told you straight up how ugly I thought I was. It makes me sad to think about. I have dark skin, nappy hair (back then nappy was used to describe my hair in a negative way, these days nappy just means tightly curled), and I was chunky.
But I think my issues with self-esteem/self image started before then. I remember feeling ugly was early as daycare days. I spent ages 1-5 in Germany and most of the girls in my daycare class were either white or biracial. I remember feeling "too dark" in comparison to the other girls in my class. I didn't have the right skin-tone nor the right hair texture. When I was in 2nd (or third grade) my sister was born and she came out light, I remember thinking my parents were going to love her more because she was lighter-which is non-sense. Luckily my parents aren't colorist but I know people that have had parents that were.
Most of these thoughts and this way of thinking came from my older brother. He made colorist remarks around me, told me about his cousins that were better than me because they were light and had loose textured hair, and constantly called me ugly. I grew up thinking it was normal, until I became an older sister and realized it was something I would never do to my little sister.
Around 7th grade he moved out and my self esteem improved. Especially when a fellow classmate named Sam said he thought I was cute- I remember going home and looking at myself and thinking "Maybe I'm not so ugly, I might even be cute".
From there things got better. I started getting into Black Literature and read everything by a black author I could get my hands on- I was reading Toni Morrison, Alice Walker, Eric Jerome Dickey, and Terry McMillan. The book that made the most difference was The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison. I identified with the main character Pecola Breedlove's innermost desire (blue eyes- white skin.) Her story was tragedy, I read it a few times as a child. I need to read it again as an adult. Anyway, the story was healing to me. I don't remember why, but that was when I let go of the toxic thinking "If it ain't white, it ain't right" and black being synonymous with ugly. Not that physical looks are everything, but I think everyone should be able to feel beautiful.
I also started seeing more black positive imagery. I was watching Good Times and Afro's became beautiful to me. It was part of the reason I wanted to go natural-which I did, been natural since 2008. I wanted to do it earlier but let another person's commentary delay me.
I attended an HBCU and being able to attend an HBCU and seeing people of color of all different skin-tones, features, and cultures was powerful. It's probably one of my favorite parts of having attended an HBCU.
I was researching something (can't remember now) my freshman year and ran into...well ugliness. I'm sure you know the story of Sarah Baartman. Not only that but research papers written to degrade looks of black women. Actual research papers. It happened back then, it happens now.
It happened to Michelle Obama (epitome of beauty, class, intelligence and grace), they called her a Gorilla and much worse, Serena Williams (greatest athlete of all time- but then...see article), and Lupita Nyong'o (amazing actress and gorgeous but this happens- see article here). These are just a few examples.
It has happened to me a few times. I've heard men go out of there way to make it known they don't prefer black woman for whatever reason. All times, I have been minding my own business, yet these people will go out of their way to diss black women and making sure I am in earshot. They are looking for a reaction. Of which there are never any.
Because it's the most dusty, ugly, undesirable, stupid, broke men boys that make these remarks.
But it sparks curiosity because it's a tactic they are using to tear down self- esteem. Everybody has preferences, but I've never gone out of my way to tell someone who is not my type- they are not my type. Especially unasked. And not loudly so I can make sure other people hear me diss black women. Reasons I've heard- Black Women have attitudes- as though an attitude is exclusive to black women and no other woman has had an attitude. Or Black Women aren't as attractive as other races- ha, as if.
I'm blessed I reached the point where it couldn't really hurt me when I heard such remarks. I don't have self-esteem issues related to being black. I don't avoid the sun because I might get darker (Love getting my summer color on!) and I love afro-nappy hair no matter what texture. It's all beautiful.
Black women are the most educated, strong, and beautiful.
And I'm proud to black.
#melaninpoppin #myblackisbeautiful #blackandimproud #blackgirlmagic
That's not to say I don't still straggly with other aspects of self-esteem. But I'm working on it.
These are the songs that always give me a lift!
Lizzo has a few- Juice and Good As Hell might be my faves
I feel like I had more before I started this post. Oh well, I'll be back when I think of more.
And that's it!
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